


You're already the voice inside my head

by maddie_55



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), 5SOS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memories, Sad, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 18:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1951968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddie_55/pseuds/maddie_55
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he does touch Ash, he’s doomed. Because despite what they tell you in fairy tales or whatever, love can’t fix everything. If it did, Ashton would have never gotten sick in this first place. No matter how much Luke loves him, Ashton will die. Soon. He’ll never live to grow up with Luke, to see his siblings grow, to see the band become successful, to graduate high school. </p><p>OR </p><p>Ashton gets sick, and wonders if Luke and he belong together. Luke isn't good with words but he hopes Ashton will get it. (very emotional and sad yet kinda happy i guess???)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're already the voice inside my head

**Author's Note:**

> So I know (or as far as I know) Luke doesn't have an ex named Ashley, I just didn't want to use any real exes names in case they don't want their name out there or whatever.   
> Probably not one of my best but idk I cried while writing it, idk maybe that's just me being emotional.   
> Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors. Comments are very much appreciated but no need to be rude, if you didn't like it, I'm sorry for wasting your time but no hate is required. I hope this is actually sad but idk.

“Do you think we ever could have belonged together?” Ashton asks, playing with his thumbs and biting his lip, the same way he did when he first asked Luke out. Only they weren’t in a hospital and it didn’t smell like rubbing alcohol.

Luke just looks at him, _what do you mean?_

“Like, if things were different. If we weren’t in the band, if we had met when we were older and more mature, or if I wasn’t so stupid. If we weren’t lonely and desperate. If I didn’t get sick and I wasn’t going to die”

Only the last reason makes sense, because no matter what, Luke and Ashton would have ended up together, and stayed together. He must know that. Luke hopes he does.

But Luke just cocks his head to the side, because it wouldn’t matter what situation they were in, Luke would always love Ashton. Doesn’t he know that?

“In another world, another universe, another life, do you think you I could have stayed with you?” Now Ashton looks up, tears glossing his beautiful eyes that Luke always gets lost in. But tonight, it’s different. It’s as if the tears provide a barrier, and when Luke tries to dive into them, he can’t.

Luke is almost completely silent, except for the pounding noise his heart makes.

 

“ _I love you” Ashton says, fork spinning his spaghetti. Ashton took him to this fancy restaurant on a date even though Luke would have been fine with take out (_ “I want to spoil my baby, can’t you let me do that at least once?”).

_Luke almost chokes on his food. Did Ashton really just say that? No way, not even if he prayed every day and dedicated his whole life to church would God be that kind to him._

_He realizes he’s been silent, and he should probably say it back before Ashton takes it back._

_“How is your food?” Ashton cuts in just as Luke was gathering the strength to speak._

_“G-good. I like it a lot. How’s the spaghetti?” He winces_

_“Pretty good. Twenty five dollars’ worth, I’m not so sure about that. But it is good” Ashton smiles at him, acting as if he didn’t just tell Luke he loved him a minute ago. Maybe he didn’t, maybe Luke imagined it all._

_“I’d make spaghetti for you all the time, if you wanted. Like for breakfast, lunch and dinner. For free” Luke blurts out, and he’s never been good with words so he hopes Ashton can read between the lines and get it._

_“Now why would you do that?” Ashton raises an eyebrow, but still has a smile on his face. He looks amused and a bit confused because it does seem a bit excessive and boring to cook spaghetti all day, every day. Even though Ashton would totally eat it all._

_“Because I love you, too”_

_Luke swears he can see almost every tooth in Ashton’s mouth because of how big he’s smiling right then._

 

“We belong in this world” Luke wants to say, to let Ashton know because he thinks sometimes Ashton must forget. There’s a lot on his mind, like music and school and his home life and taking care of his siblings. And dying. Luke should really let him know.

But he doesn’t.

Luke takes a deep breath in.

“The best days of my life, I spent with you. My favourite memories are with you. My heart is with you. Even when I’m six feet under, stuck in a coffin, it will always be with you. No matter what you do or what you say, you will never exhaust me and I will always be right there to hold you and love you. No matter how sick or old or weak you are” He hopes that gets through Ashton’s thick skull. Maybe it’s the medication that’s making Ash think like this. At least that’s what Luke hopes.

Ashton plays with his IV for a few moments.

“Remember Ashley?” Ashton speaks up, and Luke doesn’t know whether to punch him or thank him for actually saying something.

“Yeah” Luke sighs, wanting to give up right about now.

“You loved her”

“I did, we were together for a year, Ash. Before we were close. I love you, too. More than her.”

Now the beeping of the heart monitor drums along with Luke’s heart. Luke thinks he’d actually prefer silence than this.

“You’ll be beautiful, I know it. Absolutely gorgeous. I bet you’ll be nervous. What am I saying, of course you’ll be nervous. You get nervous over everything. I bet you’ll rub your nose, like you always do. And hold your mother. Oh Liz, she’ll be a complete wreck. Her baby finally growing up” Ashton says, almost to himself, and squeezes his IV. Usually, Luke would smack his hands away and scold him for playing with it but it seems as if he forgot how to move.

 “Oh, my beautiful Lukey.  How I wish it could have been me. I’d give anything for it to be me” Ashton _finally_ touches him, but his hands are cold and stiff. His movements are slow and sore, not like the able bodied, strong Ash he was when they first started dating. Luke still doesn’t want them to leave his face though, “Do you think they’ll let me watch from heaven?”

Luke almost stops breathing, and grips onto Ashton wrists tightly, the same way he did on one of their first dates.

 Ashton took him to a carnival, and Luke dragged him around by the tight grip on his wrist, taking in all the beautiful sights and sounds and people all around them. He remembers eating way too much cotton candy and drinking way too much pop. He remembers turning his head back to look at the poor boy being dragged around by a super tall sixteen-year-old-acting-five, expecting a look of annoyance, but all he saw was teeth and dimples and bright eyes. He remembers they were there for the whole day, and when it got dark out, he begged Ashton to go on the ferris wheel so he could look at the stars closer. He remembers not looking at the sky once, unable to tear his eyes off of the most beautiful star in front of him. He remembers their first kiss up there, and how he and Ash always laugh about it because it was just like a scene from a predictable, stupid romance movie which many teen girls only dream about happening to them. He also remembers how they both don’t even like romance movies. He remembers falling in love with Ashton that day. Maybe he was always in love with Ashton, but he just realised that day how he really felt. He remembers not being afraid anymore, of anything, as long as Ashton was there with him. He remembers not feeling so alone anymore. He wonders if Ashton remembers too. It was back before he knew he was sick, and Ashton doesn’t seem to remember much before that. All he talks about really is the future and how everyone has to move on. Luke believes he sometimes forgets all the past so he can believe it won’t hurt so much for his loved ones when he dies.

If that’s the case, he’s wrong.

“If I didn’t get sick, would you have married me?”  Ashton leans back on the hospital bed, which may as well be his bed, and stares at the ceiling.

_“You want to know a secret?” Ashton whispers in Luke’s ear, breaking the comfortable silence. Ashton is laying back on the couch, with Luke in between his legs pressing his body against Ashton. Ashton’s chin fits right in the crook of his neck and his fingers fit right in between Luke’s. They’ve been cuddling and watching movies and talking all day and the idea that magical moments and miracles may actually exist cross his mind more than once. He wonders if Ashton thinks so too._

_“Hmmm?” Luke smiles, closing his eyes, letting Ashton thread his fingers through his own, becoming a tangled mess of flesh and bone._

_“Promise you won’t freak out? Or call me a stalker or whatever and leave?” Ashton freezes all his movements, waiting for Luke to answer._

_“Trust me, I doubt it can be worse than all the other shit you’ve told me. I promise I won’t” Luke replies, and Ashton coughs out an ‘asshole’._

_“I wanted to marry you the second I saw you” Ashton continues to move again, continues to breathe again, and Luke wonders why he got worked up just for that. Doesn’t he know Luke would be thrilled by that? Luke never even wanted to get married before he went Ashton._

_“Get in line, Ash” Luke just playfully rolls his eyes, and Ashton laughs. Ashton’s laugh is one of the best things about him. His high pitched giggle was the first thing that caught Luke’s attention. He was hooked after hearing it one time._

_“Luke Irwin. Luke Robert Irwin. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?” Its Luke’s way of saying, ‘_ I’d marry you if you asked _’ without actually saying it, because Luke has never been good with words. That’s Ashton. He hopes once again, Ashton can read in between the lines. Luke leans his head back to see Ashton’s face, looking for the look of approval he knows will be there._

_“Sounds perfect” Ashton kisses his neck, and Luke thinks to himself; ‘yeah, it does’._

 

“I’d marry you in a heartbeat, no matter what. You could ask me right now and I’d say yes, you know that” After the words come out of his mouth, he wonders if that was the right thing to say. Does Ashton know that? Sometimes Luke isn’t so sure.

“Big or small wedding?” Ashton asks, a serious look on his face.

“Small. Intimate” Luke cooes

“Food?”

“Lots. Tons. I would say a buffet, but that’s not very classy for a wedding”

“Oh god, now you’re sounding like one of those wedding magazines my mom would have read” Ashton scoffs.

“Well, contrary to popular belief, I can be a bit romantic at times” Luke places his hand on his chest, and pretends he’s offended.

“Will you invite my mom? Lauren and Harry?” The atmosphere becomes are sour as the smell of antibiotics that soak the air.

“I’m not marrying anyone if it isn’t you-“

“Will you?” Ashton cuts him off. He still doesn’t get it. Or maybe he does, but he’s trying to convince Luke to change his mind, to live out the ‘perfect’ life with a wife and kids.

“Yeah. Of course”

Oh god, he didn’t even think of Lauren and Harry. Losing their older brother, someone who was just as much of an inspiration and hero to them as he was to Luke. And Anne, poor Anne. Losing her baby. Luke didn’t even think of what they must be going through. How could he be so stupid? He wonders if they’ll still be family after Ashton leaves. Luke loves Lauren and Harry as if they were his own siblings, and Anne is like his second mom. He doesn’t want to lose that. Then again, he doesn’t want to lose many things yet here he is sitting in a hospital room on a Saturday afternoon watching his boyfriend wither away in front of him.

“Good” Ashton whispers, and it’s silent once again. The air is tense with all the things Luke wants to say but can’t. All the things he’s thinking, feeling.

He wants to scream out, and punch a wall, to break his fists. He wants to pull out his hair, to claw his face, to cry and stomp and shout and destroy. He wants to tell Ashton how much he really means to him because sometimes people need confirmation. Just because you know it, doesn’t mean they do.

But Luke just keeps quiet, and sits there, like he always does. Regret of things left unsaid piling higher and higher on his shoulders. God, there’s so many things he wish he would have said. He didn’t say them, mostly because he hoped that somehow, Ashton would just know. As if he could say one thing, and the world would hear it as it was, but Ashton would get a totally different meaning. He used to believe that. Now, he’s not so sure.

He wants to touch Ashton, to run his fingers through his hair, and to have his arms wrapped around him once again. He wants Ashton to kiss him, to hold his face, to puts his sturdy hands on Luke’s fragile hips like he always does when the radio is turned up loud enough to dance too.

_“Dance with me, baby” Ashton holds out his arms like the princes do in Disney movies. Even though he’s not sure how this can turn out good, considering they both can’t dance to save their lives, and the radio is playing some crappy pop songs they don’t even know the words too, he runs into Ashton’s arms._

_They start swaying, their actions not matching the rhythm at all. They’re slow dancing to some upbeat, get-drunk-and-party song in the middle of the kitchen while cooking._

_Luke throws his head back and laughs while Ashton spins him around. Not because this is embarrassing (well, maybe a bit) but because he’s here, with the boy he loves, cooking dinner and attempting to dance romantically in the middle of a kitchen. It’s perfect._

_“You’re beautiful, do I tell you that enough?” Ashton says sincerely, placing on hand on Luke’s face._

_“Yeah, only every other day” Luke smiles and leans his face into Ashton’s warm, soft hands. The hands that hold him, care for him and protect him._

_“Hmm. Not enough then, huh? Well you are” Luke just looks at Ashton with disbelief_

_“You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend, it’s, like, a rule or something”_

_“I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true” Ashton replies, shrugging his shoulders and continuing to sway Luke around the small area._

_For a moment, Luke actually believes him and thinks that, maybe he is beautiful._

“I’m sorry” Despite how weak Ashton’s voice is, it still has the power to break through to Luke. It always has.

“For what?” Luke snaps at him, and he doesn’t want to be angry but it’s hard when the person you love the most in this world is going to leave it soon.

“Keeping you here. You’ve spent the past year at doctor appointments, in hospital rooms, staying inside giving me medicine and shit, when I should’ve been taking care of you. We should have been on dates and with our friends and studying and being teenagers”

“It’s okay, we had some fun. I wanted to help you” Luke wants to go over and run his hand down Ashton’s arm, to calm him down. But he stays sitting like he has this whole time.

“At least it’s almost over soon” And even though Ashton is the one who’s sick, Luke thinks he may vomit and feels as if his lungs collapsed. He can’t believe Ashton thinks him leaving will ever be okay, “Promise me you’ll find a beautiful girl who makes you happy, and marry her. Have beautiful kids. I think you’ll be a great dad. No, I know you’ll be a great dad. Struggle through university, but remember to get drunk at frat parties with Michael and Calum some times. Don’t spend all your weekends studying. Get a job you love and work until your bones ache and then work even more. I know you’ll do great things, baby.  No matter what, never quit music. Whether it’s a side job, or a hobby, or a career, you have a gift, Luke Hemmings. I’ll be listening up in heaven. Even though this universe, the one where we are supposed to be together, is ending, find a new one. It’s your chance for a new life, a better situation” When Ashton is done, he interlocks his hands and puts them over his stomach. Luke stares. Blinks. He only now notices how skinny Ashton is getting.

“I don’t need another fucking universe, or situation, or life. I don’t need kids and a wife and a white picket fence. I need you. No matter how old I am, or broke, or stupid, or lonely, or desperate, I’ll always love you. No matter how fucking sick you get. I’ll always think of the times we had, and how much our secret conversations and late nights of nothing but laughing and kissing meant to me. In fifty years, even if my eyes have seen every corner and crack in this earth, I’ll still think you’re the most beautiful thing. Even after you’re gone, I’ll still wait for you” Are words he should have said, but it’s hard when you’re chocked up by sadness. He’s so blinded by tears he can barely see Ashton close his eyes. He barely hears his breathing slow over his sobs.

“We belong together in this world” runs through Luke’s head again and again and again.

He should tell Ashton that. But Luke’s never been good with words, and he’s always felt awkward expressing his feelings. You’d think since his boyfriend, the love of his life, is dying in front of him he’d actually be able to gather up the strength and say the things he needs to say, but he can’t even lift his tongue.

“Thank you, Luke. I love you. You should go now, before it gets harder” Is the best attempt Ashton can do for a good bye without absolutely breaking down.

Luke stands up, and makes an awkward cough noise. He brushes his hands off on his jeans, in a nervous habit. He turns his head to the door, then back at Ashton.

_“I fall in love with you all over again every time I touch you. It’s like, a piece of me goes to you every time and it makes it harder and harder to leave” Luke blushes, fingers tips dancing all over Ashton’s stretched out body._

_“That’s because we were meant to be. Soul mates. God made me to love you, I know it. There’s a myth, where people were born with four arms and four legs. They got split in half, and spent the rest of their lives trying to find the other half. I think that sums us up. You’re my other half, my better half. I would spend my whole life searching for you. Luckily, I found you pretty quickly”_

_“I guess school is actually good for something” Luke makes a disgusted face at the mention of school, and Ashton just shakes his head and laughs._

_“We belong together” Ashton whispers, kissing Luke’s neck._

_“I know, I feel it every time I touch you”_

He knows now, that if he touches Ashton one last time, he’ll never recover. He knows that the day Ashton dies, Luke will die with him. Even though he won’t be buried with Ashton, he may as well be. He knows if he kisses Ashton one more time, he’ll never love any one again. If he runs his hands through Ashton’s hair, he’ll never know a touch as soft as it. If he wraps himself in Ashton’s arms, despite how weak and thin they are now, he’ll never feel safe in any other place again.

If he does touch Ash, he’s doomed. Because despite what they tell you in fairy tales or whatever, love can’t fix everything. If it did, Ashton would have never gotten sick in this first place. No matter how much Luke loves him, Ashton will die. Soon. He’ll never live to grow up with Luke, to see his siblings grow, to see the band become successful, to graduate high school.

If he leaves, it may take a while, maybe the better part of his life, but he will be able to love again. For Ashton. He’ll be able to put on a brave face and get out into the world like Ashton would want him to do.

If he touches Ashton one more time, if he doesn’t leave like he’s supposed to, he’ll always belong with Ashton.

He leans in anyway.


End file.
